Holden's Fairytales
by RanebowStitches
Summary: What would fairytales be like if Holden was a character in them?


This is an English assignment. We have to rewrite a fairytale using Holden Caulfield's voice and have him be one of the character's in it. I might do more for extra credit, but for now, here's Red Riding Hood with Holden as the wolf!

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! (srsly, I'm so poor)

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Little Red Hunting Hat

I suppose I should start my story at the beginning. I mean, it wouldn't make since to start it at the end or in the middle, now would it? It's like if you turn the TV on right at the end of a mystery show and you learn who the killer is. Well, you're not going to wait around till that episode plays again to see the beginning. You already know who the killer is, so it's not a mystery anymore! No point at all.

Anyways, I'll just start at the beginning, which just happens to be when I was out in the woods one day, looking for something to eat. I spotted a few lousy rabbits and squirrels, but I just didn't feel like chasing them. You have to feel like chasing something to chase it, and I just didn't feel like it. I really didn't. I was really hungry though. My stomach was growlin and all. It was about that time that I caught a whiff of something in the air. Something like cinnamon. I followed it, using my incredible sense of smell and all, until I came upon a girl wearing a red cloak, walking on a path through the woods. She had stopped and was picking the small green flowers on the side of the path. Sitting besides her was a basket that was practically overflowing with marvelous smells. My stomach growled again.

I patted down my grey fur and smelled my breath by breathing into my paw and sniffing. I tied up the side flaps on my red hunting hat that had holes cut in it for my ears to poke through. After picking a few more leaves from my fur, I deemed myself worthy to be seen. To tell the truth, I am a very sexy wolf. I held myself up high and I stepped into the path just as the girl looked up from her flower picking. She sorta gasped and took a step back when she saw me. I gave her a toothy grin.

"Well, hello there," I said all suave like. "What's a young girl like you doing out in these woods all alone?" She was indeed quite young, now that I saw her face. She was maybe 12 or 13 and all alone. It made me kinda depressed.

"I-I'm taking these treats to my granny who lives just through the woods," She said in her small voice that reminded me of a bird. She motioned to her basket and the smell of cinnamon filled the air again. It reminded me of when I used to sit outside this old fox baker's house. He always would use too much cinnamon and end up dumping all his cookies out the window to me. He was a real phony though. Always boasting about being the best chef in town when really he burnt half of what ever he made. The only good thing that came from him was his daughter. She was a piece of work and all. Real good at necking and all.

Anyway, so this girl just kept staring at me with her big ol' eyes, and it was just making me more depressed just looking at her. I thought about grabbing her basket and running for it, but she'd probably be so devastated that she'd just sit down and cry and never leave the woods. I couldn't live with that, but I also couldn't live without food. So, I told her to have a safe trip and let her on her way, as I was already thinking up a plan. I snuck back into the woods and began making my own way to her grandma's house. I knew a shortcut to the house, having lived in the woods my whole life, so, I arrived there before the little girl in the hood did. When I got to the house I crawled through an open window and looked around.

An old lady was rocking back and forth really slowly in a rocking chair. I mean really slowly. I could hear every creak it made against the wooden floor and it was annoying me. I thought about eating the old granny, just to stop the noise, but I was never one for such deeds. My brother on the other hand, he'd eat just about anything in his path. He's in the northern part of the woods now though. That's where most of the people live. He was always more of a people person. Me, I'd just sit back and wait for something to come by. Sometimes I'd think about attacking a human. Pouncing onto them and biting into their flesh, but in the end it just made me queasy and depressed and all. Anyway, this old lady finally stopped rocking in her creaky chair when she looked over at me. She had this pinched up face like old people do, and her beady little eyes widened in surprise.

"Hello, mam," I said, bowing and tipping my hat forward. She stared at me. "I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I'm just very hungry, and-,"

"Get out of my house you vile beast!" I had not expected the old lady to have such reflexes as she did. She was off her chair and smacking me with a broom in seconds.

"Mam! Please!" I blocked my face with my arms as the broom came down again and again. I reached out and grabbed the stick just before it hit my nose, pushing on it and sending the old lady backwards. She laid sprawled on the floor on her back as I threw the broom into the corner of the room. She groaned but didn't get up. At first, I was afraid I had killed her. I hadn't meant to harm her at all, but she was still breathing so I relaxed and did the first thing I thought of. I shoved her in the closet.

My ears twitched as the sound of knocking echoed from the front door. I quickly grabbed a nightgown from the old lady's dresser, putting it on and hoping into the bed. I flattened my ears against my head and hid them with the flaps of my hat, before calling out, "Come in!" in my best old lady voice. As expected the little girl in the red hood opened the door and skipped over to the bed. She placed the basket of the mouth watering treats on the bedside table. I held myself back from reaching out and guzzling them all down, but dammit, I was hungry, and if I didn't eat soon, I don't know what I'd do.

"Oh, grandma!" The girl exclaimed. I looked away from the basket and back to her. "You must be very sick! You're nose is so big!" I wiggled my snout.

"Ah, it just makes it easier to smell your treats with, my dear," I said, again making my voice high. I knew I sounded so phony, but it was enough for the girl. The little girl then lifted one of my ear flaps before I could get her away.

"Ah, grandma! What big ears you have too!"

"All the better to, um, listen to your stories, my dear," I am a fabulous liar if you must know. I grinned at the little girl.

"Grandma! What big teeth you have!" That was the last straw.

"Look kid, are we just going to sit around and talk about how big I am, or can we eat some of those damn treats?" I snarled. I didn't mean to, but I did. The girl screamed, and from seemingly nowhere a lumberjack burst through the door, wielding this ax that must have weighed a hundred pounds at least. Don't ask me where he came from because I still, to this very day, don't know. What I do know though, is that when he burst in, I was not sticking around any longer, so I leaped out of that bed, grabbed the basket handle in my mouth, and jumped out the window. I haven't seen that little girl since then. Sometimes, I wish I'd run into her on the path through the woods again. I know I could follow the path to the city and find her there, but I just don't feel like it. You have to be in the mood to go find someone or it just doesn't work. If I ever do see her again, I want to know where she got the fabulous cinnamon cookies.

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My mom says it really sounds like him and all, but what do you think?

And don't get all phony with me...

Dammit Holden. You're infecting my vocabulary..


End file.
